Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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