I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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