good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
