I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
