it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
