I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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