Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
