she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
