good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
