just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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