Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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