that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
