Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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