are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
