You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
