Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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