I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
