I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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