remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
