I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
