saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
