peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
