just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
