You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
