What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
