dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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