I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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