I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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