I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
