I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
false alarm, still single
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
