before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
