I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize