I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
