Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
