That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
