She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Randomize
