I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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