Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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