My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As shirtless as possible
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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