You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
