Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
