Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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