At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
