I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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