I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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