im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I understand Curling. That high.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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