Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
