Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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