Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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