it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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