well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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