one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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