I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
