Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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