I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
