Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
